Houston we have heartbeats!!'

We  had another scan today. The doctors schedule had changed so they moved my ultrasound up ...

I was so nervous... This was kind of a "big" one considering we hoped to see heartbeats... 

And ... We did!!! Two heartbeats!!! Babies are measuring great!!! Omg! We are having twins!!!! 

And there is....

I finally made it past the furthest I have been in the last five years... 

It's kind of surreal actually.... So many emotions and anxieties... I really can't properly articulate it right now...

We had an early scan yesterday at 5w5d... It actually went good!!! 

In the past when I even made it to ultrasound I always measured a week behind... Or it was tubal etc... 

I'm pleased to say things are measuring. Good!!! And.... There's two!!!

I go back next Thursday for a repeat and hopefully there are heart beats for both!! :) 

Beta #2...

Came in at 226!!! Yay!!!

Feeling like this is finally real!!! 

Heck yes!!

This is just roughly 12 hours of progression...

Oh yea!!!

It worked!!!

I tested today at five days past five a transfer...

With no hold...

I'm PUPO!!!

Sorry for the lack of updates I was so busy updating everybody on Facebook and on my fertility friend groups... also the wife I was kind of crappy at the hotel so it was hard for me to do a lot of things with uploading pictures etc.... 

The trip was amazing!!! Omg... I'll have to do a separate post just for the pictures... But here's one...

We got into Reno the evening of the 11th... Got a bite to eat and gambled a little bit...lol... We didn't win anything but we didn't lose much either. Then hit the sack. I had a really hard time sleeping... I have been up at 2 o'clock that morning and was up at 2 o'clock on day of transfer too... 

Thursday was just a huge ball of emotions... We tried to keep ourselves busy and round around the Peppermill, ate some amazing food at the island buffet, and by the time we were sorted with getting souvenirs for the family, it was time to head back to the hotel and start filling my bladder! 

I got to the clinic about 1:30 PM... I think I drink a bit too much water... Kept having to release a little bit so that I didn't Per my pants!! Lol!! 

Finally around 2:15 , dr. came in...

Out of the 13 day three blastocysts we had, only three made it to day  five. All the others arrested. We transferred at the very to best, One was almost fully hatched and the other one looks like it was getting ready to. The third one was expanded and was going to be frozen, that will be put back with the other two day fives that we left on ice. 

Here are the two we put in!! 

So as of yesterday, I am PUPO!!!

Now we pray... And wait.... 

It is well

My mom and I singing "it is well" (bethel version) at a friends prayer meeting... 

With all the anxieties surrounding this upcoming FET I just keep reminding myself of the truths that are in this song...

https://www.facebook.com/isabelle.pina.3/videos/784593618318058/

Lining check update

All went well today!! 

Lining is at 9mm! Ovaries quiet! Transfer at 2 pm on November 12!!!! Yay!!!

I can't believe after 4+ years we actually have a chance at a take home baby.!!!

😁😁

10/26 update

Just thought I would hop on and give a brief update. 

This last weekend was kind of crazy... I ended up shattering one of my molars and had to have it pulled, on a Sunday none the less. Thankfully it is out and it's all over with and I have enough time to heal before the actual FET, and luckily I was already on antibiotics for my protocol to begin with. 

Then i went early this morning and had my E2 drawn. While waiting for the results I kept having really bad cramping and a lot of EWCM. On a whim I decided to take a OPK... Mistake! 

The stupid thing was positive!! (The one I took after that was negative though) But my estrogen is way too high for me to be ovulating on my own right now, especially when my ovaries were so quiet just 7 days ago. I stayed to suppressed on the birth control pills which is a much lesser dose of estrogen than the estradiol valerate injections. After a little bit of freaking out and waiting for the nurse to call me back, I finally got a hold of her... 

She said my estrogen was about 359

which is exactly where they want it. And that they were going to be tagging on a progesterone test on my blood lab from today. But she's positive that I'm not ovulating and after I got some reassurance I realize that it is way too early for me to ovulate even if I wasn't being suppressed, on top of the fact that we know there were no follicles growing at my baseline... 

It's so hard to  not go to those dark places and assume that the cycle is going to get canceled because your body is stupid... It's hard to trust your body is going to do the right thing after years (literally five years ) of it doing the very wrong thing... But I must have hope and I must trust...

Breathe in... Breathe out... 

I must stay positive... I must hope with out abandon, and pray without ceasing... This is going to work. It just has to  .. 

Injection fun

Just figured id share a quick vid on how I do my estrogen injections to prepare for this frozen embryo transfer.

 

Started meds!

Let the craziness begin! 

I have my baseline ultrasound and blood work done yesterday... That was a total fiasco but I won't even bother you with the details. The important thing is the tests were completed and came out perfect. 

I started my estradiol valerate injections this evening. 

Along with 5 mg of prednisone, baby aspirin, and my prenatal (which I was taking before with the methylated B) . I'm kind of stoked I don't have to worry about taking pills twice a day etc... Just one estradiol valerate injection twice a week. 

About a week before transfer I will have another ultrasound to check my lining and if all goes well I will start progesterone in oil  five days before transfer, along with Lovenox injections. Antihistamine Protocol. (which consists of prednisones Pepcid AC and Claritin, daily)  At that time I will up my prednisone to 30 mg. The night of the transfer I start crinone inserts too. 

All in all I feel pretty confident about our protocol. I'm also very excited to know that my clinic test my progesterone and estrogen in before my first beta. So while I am waiting they are making sure my hormone levels are optical. I really like the clinic we have chosen. 

So that's about it for now just kind of taking it easy this evening and finishing up some things that are long overdue. I'll keep everybody posted as things progress. 

. 

Infertility PTSD

Today is CD 2... Baseline on Monday/Tuesday... Which means we are doing our FET, THIS CYCLE!! OMG! This makes me both excited and terrified! 

Up until two days ago I have been nothing but giggles, glitter and unicorns... Nothing but excitement and sheer joy...

I'm not sure if it's the crashing hormones due to AF, or if I am getting a little touch of infertility PTSD... In case you're wondering it's basically post traumatic stress disorder triggered by entering into that crazy territory, called "treating infertility again" and all of the procedures and things that go along with it flash back into your mind both consciously and subconsciously... It can produce restless sleep and nightmares, with some pretty severe anxiety. 

In the past five years we have endured many many different procedures and tests... Tubal reversal, Tons of cycles with Femara, a few with injects, and immune meds, 3 different HSG's, 3 SHG's, 2 saline ultrasounds, mock transfers, A bazillion vaginal ultrasounds, I can't even count how many vials of blood, for hormone levels, Recurrent pregnancy loss/immune panels , intralipid infusions, The termination of 3 ectopic pregnancies with methotrexate, One tube removal, due to a 4th consecutive ectopic, where they also happened to cut Open my bowel on accident... and that is only the very tippy top of the iceberg... I could seriously keep going on and on and on...

I remember about a year and a half ago being so devastated and angry that we had no options left (so I thought at the time anyway) and feeling like I would give anything just to have the hope of a chance... Now that we have a chance and everything is a reality, i'm starting to freak out again!!

"What if my cycle gets canceled", "what if it doesn't work", "what if we have another miscarriage" , "what if our travel is messed up?" ... Again I could go on and on... It's like anxiety instantly hit me the moment AF showed up and it became a reality that we would be cycling. I can't explain it other then I just keep having flashbacks of the last few years... All the pain and devastation....

I'm doing everything I can at this point... Using lavender essential  oils and meditating... Spending time in prayer... But the anxiety lingers. I am determined not to let this steal my joy. I  have fought so hard to get this far, and I'm just not going to be plagued by this depression/anxiety. My little snowflakes deserve better than that... I'm focusing on hope and faith... It still doesn't make the flashbacks easier, but it helps them not control me... 

I honestly never thought I would feel this way again... I thought because I have felt so excited up until this point that I wouldn't suffer with this intense anxiety  in regards to treatments... But it goes to show you to matter how excited you are, matter how much you believe this is going to work, you are still susceptible to feeling a bit anxious... It doesn't mean that you're not excited it just means that you understand what *can* happen... You're not naïve anymore... And most importantly it really does bring up a lot of wounds... Infertility, Regardless of which kind you suffer from and why, it still affects you... Even years after the babies are born(if you happen to be that lucky), You never quite get over the scars. You never really get over The intense emotions that surround the journey you have been on... 

I can't say why I thought this time would be different and why I would walk away unscathed by infertility PTSD ... Maybe it was just wishful thinking. And don't get me wrong this isn't nearly as bad as it has been in the past. But nonetheless... 

Not Long now~

We have a date!!

This week has been a very busy one for us... I've been on the pill for 9 days, in preparation to start medications. I won't even go into details about how this has made me a very very grouchy person.., lol 

Then,  I had my consultation with the nurse to go over my calendar and medication administration schedule. :) 

I already have all my medications... Here are just a few of them in a picture. I'm missing the doxycycline and prednisone along with all of the antihistamine protocol meds. 

My clinic has me using estrogen injections,  as well as progesterone in oil. I also like the fact that they test my estrogen and progesterone twice in the two week wait before my first beta. They are great was monitoring in making sure everything is it appropriate levels. 

So the plan is to start medications on October 20, to have a transfer date of November 12!! We will be transferring two Embryos! 

You guys this is finally starting to feel real!  

I honestly am so excited and nervous all at the same time! Wish there was a way to fast-forward the next six weeks! 

More updates soon.

We have "adopted" our embryos!!

So, A lot has taken place since my last post ... After finding out we had some insurance coverage for infertility services , We were going to use a local clinic for an IVF cycle using my own eggs (and donors sperm),  I was two weeks out from starting meds,  but I chickened out and felt like doing donor embryo was really the way we are supposed to go ... There are 1 million reasons why we decided to back out of that cycle ... But one of the biggest reasons was I didn't want to blame myself if it didn't work (using my own eggs)... 

So, after canceling, I had to switch all my information over to the clinic with my choice that had a GOOD DOnor embryo program... The local clinic was kind of a crock of crap with their program , so it put me behind a bit trying to get in with the clinic in Nevada ... But finally!!

This week I had my second consultation with the Nevada Center for reproductive medicine. We had tentatively chosen a batch of embryos a couple weeks ago after our initial consultation, but finally made it official this week after going over the specifics with the doctor on success rate with this specific batch. 

Due to the fact that we are moving into a new house (same town just different neighborhood) we are holding off until early October for a transfer, possibly November depending on how things go with the move, and my college courses. i'm also homeschooling my daughter and stepdaughter who are in junior high this year... Anyway... 

But.. OMG!! We have our snowflakes!! I get to spend the next couple of months praying over them... Dreaming about them etc... 

I can't begin to tell you how over the moon I am considering we never thought we were even going to have A chance to cycle this year at all! A year and a half ago I was totally and 100% convinced that our journey was over and we would never have another shot... And now look!! 

I will keep everyone posted as things move along. 

What clinic/program are we going to use??

   Well, right now, we are still trying to gather the funds to do this...At the VERY least it will be 5 grand with travel and meds...At the very MOST 14 grand with meds and travel...But variations in these programs are much like the prices...They are VERY different...

The one clinic I initially found when looking for a place in California to do the embryo donation/adoption was California conceptions...At first they sounded great, but after reading, I found out they really are NOT a traditional embryo donation program...

What I mean is, traditionally, (with MOST programs at clinics and agencies) you would have a clinic or a agency that matches you with a family who has embryos that are being stored, that they wish to donate. When you are matched, you then go through the process of signing some legal documents, and then arranging the transfer of embryos. The quantity of embryos depends on the family you are matched with... some only have 2 frosties left, some have 15+ that they may choose to give away to one family or split up into 4's and divide among other families...My biggest issue with this is the cost factor and having to pay for a home study (not with every clinic, as I have just recently learned) and the agency fee's...Because we are not really worried about the looks of the baby etc, (within reason of course) we are not really looking to have a agency "match" us...Also no refund options...So those options became less ideal.....So it was back to California conceptions possibly...

But they are not traditional, like I stated before...Because they use what is called "double donor" embryos (meaning both the egg and sperm were donor, and then paired up to create a embryo), sometimes they even do fresh transfers and not FET's which is obviously not even a real "snowflake"...The ONLY reallllyyy good option with this program is, you get 3 tries (usually transferring 2 at a time) for 12 grand...And they have a 100% money back guarantee program if you do not get a baby...Can't beat that...

BUT, we really like the idea of "adopting" true snowflakes...So we have decided to pursue looking into a clinic in NV who runs a program for less than 5 grand, no home study (not that we have anything to hide, we are doing a home study for fostering, its just a PITA to pay 2 grand , (because the foster home study is not transferable) to have someone make sure your house is not unsafe and you are not a phsyco, and considering I have raised a couple kids myself already, who have become wonderful young people, I don't think it is necessary)...NV is close enough for us to drive to as well saving on travel costs... And, I have read some good reviews about them online in my forum stalking...But nothing in set in stone...I have recently heard of a clinic here near me in southern cali who has a program,  but with limited donors, and its 8 grand for one try...
Like I said, the clinics and prices etc, are so different! (I plan to make a page with clinics and links soon, so be on the lookout if you are searching for info)

As I mentioned above, we are still saving (it may be a while) and so in the mean time, we are trying to privately match ourselves, via the web, on forum, NRFA,  and this blog etc...Praying some how, some way, we get find our precious snowflakes and can bring them home in the next couple years...

Any prayers are greatly appreciated as we walk through this...I have seen and read of many people who have been "matched" only to have something fall through just like traditional adoptions, and with as many losses as we have had,my heart cant take any more "losses" so to speak, so we need this to be a smooth process...At least as smooth as it can go...

5 years

Five years ago I bought this outfit... I had hoped four years ago, (and every year after that) to be looking at a baby in that outfit while laying on my bed...But, that didn't happen... Loss after loss after loss...No take home baby... I thought our chances of having the rainbow baby were forever over...

 But now I have hope again...

This is our prayer... That the Lord will go before us and make away for us to bring home our snowflakes... From picking the right little ones to making sure they stay safe in my uterus, to a safe delivery...I know I can't make it happen, but HE can!

A little about us...

Hello!

Here is a little bit about "us"...

We live in the southern California mountains....Its amazing here...Not just the weather of southern California, but the small town feel of living in a place that seems almost like leave it to beaver'ish...Just set up about 6500 feet on a mountain edge, wit amazing views, gorgeous hiking trails and rocks to climb...TONS of wildlife! Its just... Awesome...


Here are a few pics (taken from my Iphone) of where we live...

My husband is a retail manager and I am a stay at home mom (soooooo thankful to be able to do that!!). We have a "blended family" (aka children from previous marriages) with 4 children between us, ages ranging from 13 to 6.Our precious kids- Hayden , Kaitlyn, Lindsay and Isaiah.... They are our everything....We are soooooo incredibly thankful for them. They also would like to add to the family...They pray every night for a little brother or sister (Kaitlyn, age 6, who prays for BOTH- I do too admittedly lol- we would LOVE twins!)

I have had numerous pregnancy losses through the years... One before my first DD, one before me son, and a 19 week loss right before I had my youngest DD...Since 2011, we have been TTC, and in that time have had 4 ectopics, 3 IUP's and several early pregnancy losses where location was unknown, meaning it could have been ectopic... Some of our losses were due to tubal issues, and some were due to a developing antibody issue (diagnosed in 2013 by a reproductive immunologist) I have that causes my body to reject implantation when the baby is created with my husbands genetics Its kind of rare, and very hard to explain, and it is HELL to try and treat medically....The fact I have any living babies at all is a miracle!

Because of the complexities of treating the antibody issue, (been there done that,  it didn' work and the meds gave me bad side effects) we have decided to complete our family using either donor embryos or doing IVF with donor sperm...

It was NOT a decision we came to lightly... It was a year before we finally felt comfortable enough to move forward with the process...Now that we have started that process, we both have so much excitement and peace... it just feels "right"...