Today is CD 2... Baseline on Monday/Tuesday... Which means we are doing our FET, THIS CYCLE!! OMG! This makes me both excited and terrified!
I'm not sure if it's the crashing hormones due to AF, or if I am getting a little touch of infertility PTSD... In case you're wondering it's basically post traumatic stress disorder triggered by entering into that crazy territory, called "treating infertility again" and all of the procedures and things that go along with it flash back into your mind both consciously and subconsciously... It can produce restless sleep and nightmares, with some pretty severe anxiety.
In the past five years we have endured many many different procedures and tests... Tubal reversal, Tons of cycles with Femara, a few with injects, and immune meds, 3 different HSG's, 3 SHG's, 2 saline ultrasounds, mock transfers, A bazillion vaginal ultrasounds, I can't even count how many vials of blood, for hormone levels, Recurrent pregnancy loss/immune panels , intralipid infusions, The termination of 3 ectopic pregnancies with methotrexate, One tube removal, due to a 4th consecutive ectopic, where they also happened to cut Open my bowel on accident... and that is only the very tippy top of the iceberg... I could seriously keep going on and on and on...
I remember about a year and a half ago being so devastated and angry that we had no options left (so I thought at the time anyway) and feeling like I would give anything just to have the hope of a chance... Now that we have a chance and everything is a reality, i'm starting to freak out again!!
"What if my cycle gets canceled", "what if it doesn't work", "what if we have another miscarriage" , "what if our travel is messed up?" ... Again I could go on and on... It's like anxiety instantly hit me the moment AF showed up and it became a reality that we would be cycling. I can't explain it other then I just keep having flashbacks of the last few years... All the pain and devastation....
I'm doing everything I can at this point... Using lavender essential oils and meditating... Spending time in prayer... But the anxiety lingers. I am determined not to let this steal my joy. I have fought so hard to get this far, and I'm just not going to be plagued by this depression/anxiety. My little snowflakes deserve better than that... I'm focusing on hope and faith... It still doesn't make the flashbacks easier, but it helps them not control me...
I honestly never thought I would feel this way again... I thought because I have felt so excited up until this point that I wouldn't suffer with this intense anxiety in regards to treatments... But it goes to show you to matter how excited you are, matter how much you believe this is going to work, you are still susceptible to feeling a bit anxious... It doesn't mean that you're not excited it just means that you understand what *can* happen... You're not naïve anymore... And most importantly it really does bring up a lot of wounds... Infertility, Regardless of which kind you suffer from and why, it still affects you... Even years after the babies are born(if you happen to be that lucky), You never quite get over the scars. You never really get over The intense emotions that surround the journey you have been on...
I can't say why I thought this time would be different and why I would walk away unscathed by infertility PTSD ... Maybe it was just wishful thinking. And don't get me wrong this isn't nearly as bad as it has been in the past. But nonetheless...
Followed your link from the July babycenter group. I just wish I could give you a huge hug right now. I've only had 1 mc and that alone was enough to send my anxiety reeling so I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling right now except to say that you are a powerful, able, and resilient woman! If you didn't feel anxiety after what you've gone through then it would have stolen your humanity. You are a strong woman and going to make an excellent mother. My prayers for your transfer and all the peace that can be mustered! Be strong!
ReplyDeleteFollowed your link from the July babycenter group. I just wish I could give you a huge hug right now. I've only had 1 mc and that alone was enough to send my anxiety reeling so I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling right now except to say that you are a powerful, able, and resilient woman! If you didn't feel anxiety after what you've gone through then it would have stolen your humanity. You are a strong woman and going to make an excellent mother. My prayers for your transfer and all the peace that can be mustered! Be strong!
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